crafty(4)



	Diary of a Mad Shoveler or 30 Days To A Nervous Breakdown

	> December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
	Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

	> December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
	ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

	> December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
	again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

	December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this
	much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

	> December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

	> December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

	> December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

	> December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

	> December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

	> December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

	> December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought l was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bag who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
	throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.

	> December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=#@x@x! slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

	> December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

	> December 27: Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze.

	> December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in.

	> December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

	> December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

	> December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

	> January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


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	ONE OF LIFE'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS:

	It's Sunday morning and the family is off to church.
	Your three year old isn't sure what church is but she
	tries to fit in.
	Your sitting in the bench and the pastor is giving a talk on you're not sure what when.....your darling little angel pipes up with.....
	"Mommy why is that lady wearing a monkey?"
	The owner of the monkey turns with a look that makes you want to crawl under the seat. You try to explain to your child it is not nice to point and ask questions like that at church.....she on the other hand is still very curious.
	While you are getting something to distract her she proceeds to walk over to the lady with the monkey and ask in her loudest clearest voice.." Why are you wearing that monkey?"
	The annoyed lady replies. "It's not a monkey it is a mink stole dear."
	Your daughter charmer that she is replies proudly with her hands planted on her hips, "well my mom says it a monkey,SO THERE!"
	Who said church couldn't be fun!



	A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

	To be happy with a man, you must understand him alot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her alot and try not to understand her at all.

	A woman marries a man expecting him to change, he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

	A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man worries about the future after he gets a wife.

	There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman, Before marriage and After marriage.

	Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is let her think she is getting her own way, and the other is let her have it.

	Married men live alot longer then single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

	Any married man should forget his mistakes, there is no sense two people remembering them.

	A woman always has the last word in an argument. Anything the man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



	How to maintain a healthy level of insanity in the workplace:

	1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

	2. Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and address them only using these names. EG. "No problem Spiffy!"

	3.Send everyone e-mail telling them exactly what you are doing.Like..." if you need me I'll be in the bathroom."

	4.Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle, when you come out randomly slap the air until returning.

	5.Every time someone asks you to do something ask them if they would like fries with that.

	6.Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

	7.Hi Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did it.

	8. While sitting at your desk soak your hands in palmolive liquid and call everyone Madge.



	A Survival Kit for Everyday
	Toothpick
	Rubber band
	Band aid
	Pencil
	Eraser
	Chewing gum
	Mint
	Candy Kiss
	Tea Bag

	Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others...Matt 7:1

	Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will workout... Romans 8:28

	Band Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, your or someone else's...Col 3:12-14

	Pencil - To remind you to list your blessings everyday...Eph 1:3

	Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay...Gen 50:15-21

	Chewing gum - to remind you to stick with it and you can
	accomplish anything with Jesus...Phil 4:13

	Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your heavenly father...John 3:16-17

	Candy Kiss - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday...1John 4:7

	Tea Bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings...1 Thess 5:18

	This is my gift to you. May God richly bless you.



	A blonde went to the applicance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave oven," he replied.

	---------------

	Moses, Jesus and an old bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water quickly parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

	Next Jesus strolled up the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

	The old bearded man gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby house and rolls down into the gutter, the downspout, and back onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up onto the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and few away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

	Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

	Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip toLouisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife,Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up sending his message to a Mrs.Joan
	Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away a few days earlier. The
	preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Hi Honey!
	Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here. Your Loving Husband."



	Hope you got a little laugh while you were here. These are some of our favorite little laughs. The Mad Shoveler is true for many of us who live in the land of ice and snow, we generally don't laugh at it but reading it here puts everything into perspective. Keep laughing and remember kids say the darnedest things.



	Thanks to Steve for much of
	what makes us laugh!